A Guide for Families

Family Questions: The First Thirty Days: Issues Unique to Spouses of Residents

I just admitted my wife in a nursing center and I'm beside myself. I just wander through the house, trying to think of something to do. It's as if she's dead!

The hardest thing some spouses of nursing center residents have to face is their own fear of being alone. When suddenly a lifelong companion is no longer there, it's easy to panic and feel anxious and disoriented yourself The best thing to do to combat these feelings of loneliness and anxiety is to keep busy. If you're employed, don't take too much time off right away. Work will keep you busy, and won't give you as much time to worry.

If you don't work, look into short-term volunteer work. Choose an area where you might eventually like to volunteer permanently. Whether it be community service, a political campaign, or just helping out with a neighbor's kids, find something to keep your hands - and your heart - busy during these early days

A girlfriend has invited me over for dinner since John moved into the nursing center. It just doesn't feel right to go out and enjoy myself without him. Am I doing the night thing?

Socializing alone may make you feel awkward - even guilty at times - but interaction with people is important for your mental well-being. Men, in particular, have trouble seeking out new friends, but the first rule of thumb is to accept any and all invitations extended to you - this is one instance in which friends usually do know what's best. If you and your spouse often socialized with other couples, you might find it awkward or even painful to be included in future couples events. Participate if you want to, but if not, look on this as an opportunity to forge some new friendships.

Tom and I were happy with him handling all of our legal and financial matters while I took care of the home. Now all of a sudden I'm buried in medical and financial paperwork that I don't understand.

There's help available as near as your public library. Start there, but check out other community resources as well. There are many groups organized to assist seniors in tax preparation, advanced directives, etc., and even if you don't qualify as a senior, your special circumstances will no doubt be taken into consideration.

As a last resort, you can always hire someone to come assist you with some of your paperwork, but you'll probably find upon closer examination that the documents that are so intimidating to you now will be merely a tiresome chore in a month or so.

My son's anger and my daughter's depression have left me feeling lower than ever. Why are they being so selfish and unrealistic about this?

You may no longer be your husband's primary caregiver, but you'll always be your children's mom. Realize that they have no one else to take out their fears and frustrations on, and that this brush with their father's and, by extension, their own, mortality is very frightening for them.

Despite the developments that have affected their relationship with their father, you are still the same mom they have always known, they are looking to you for reassurance and stability. Try to ignore their reactions for now. As both you and your husband will eventually adjust to the new situation, so too will they.

If pressed, sit them down individually and calmly explain to them how you perceive their behavior. If asked to articulate their particular grievance, as well as a better solution to your husband's care problem, they will hopefully begin to realize that they are unjustly displacing their anger and anxiety onto you.

Jim's children from his first marriage have been great about visiting their dad, but things are very strained with me. How can I explain to them that, like it or not, we're all in this together?

Spouses of a second or third marriage can have it particularly hard since they might have to deal with the fears and frustrations of children not even their own. If possible, start by having your husband explain to his children why you and he made the decisions you did, making it clear to them that this was his choice as well.

If that is not possible, maybe it's best at first to let your actions speak for you. When they see how often you visit their father, how concerned you are about his care, and how difficult an adjustment the arrangement is for you as well, they'll probably reconsider.