Family Questions: The First Thirty Days
Coping with the Transition

Helping Your Loved Ones Adjust

How can I help Dad settle into his new home?

You might help your family member settle into life in the nursing facility best by remembering that he's not just moving into a home, but into his new home. Ask your father how he would like his home decorated and arranged. You can help him make that home as comfortable and personal as possible.

Although it's important that any decorative item not interfere with the caregiving mission or policies of the nursing facility, thoughtful decorating can help the nursing facility meet its goals of caring not just for the body, but for the mind and spirit of its residents as well.

Don't forget to discuss with staff members you and your father's decorating ideas. Some of the best ideas for brightening up a family member's room can come from the staff who sees them every day.

Consider the following:

  • You can help restore some sense of a home environment by decorating your father's room with things brought from his home. In borrowing from the former home environment, try to go beyond just moving items from the old into the new. Instead, try also to capture and recreate the same mood, texture and tone.
  • Bring things your dad's made or collected. Bring items that have always been important to him, like a chair, picture, or coffee table.
  • Provide photos of yourself or your family. Get the children involved in creating handmade items for all occasions. Create collages of children's photos, and bring or send wall decorations to commemorate holiday days. In most cases, the brighter and more cheerful, the better
  • Stimulate all the senses. Borrow decorating ideas from Mother Nature - nothing can be as refreshing as a bit of the outdoors brought indoors. Find flowers, colorful leaves, and other reminders of the seasons to help brighten his room.
  • Provide paintings or prints of his favorite subjects, or of religious or other familiar scenes.
  • If your father is able to enjoy them, supply magazines, books and newspapers for him; if not, bring tape-recorded books or music. If he subscribed to the daily newspaper, keep it coming.
  • Provide a telephone or TV if his room can accommodate them.

Mother's still angry and keeps saying she wants to go home. Will she ever adjust to the move?

If you've ever moved yourself, especially out of town, you've already experienced a part of what your mother is going through. But add to that the stress she's experiencing from the loss of her cherished independence, from living in unfamiliar surroundings with scores of strangers, and from trying to accept you in the unnatural role of caregiver, and you'll begin to understand just how major a life change this can be.

Suffice it to say that the first 30 days may be uncomfortable for both of you. Don't be surprised if during the early days of your mother's residency, the whole family experiences some degree of guilt, tension, fear or fatigue.

Your mother is likely to do or say things that will upset you and make you feel guilty. She may express either verbally or non-verbally her dissatisfaction with the new arrangements and her desire to go home. She may act mad or hurt, berate or ignore you.

Remember that these behaviors-and your reactions to them are perfectly normal under the circumstances. Adjusting to their new living arrangements is a process that all residents go through in their own way, and at their own speed. The adjustment won't be accomplished overnight, but as the days turn into weeks, you'll find your mother talking less about her old home and more about her new. In the meantime, the staff is always there to help see you through the peaks and valleys of this very emotional experience. Don't be afraid to ask for a little moral support.

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